Talkin' TV

'CSI': Surprise, surprise, Dave's alive and well

You should always watch "TMZ" -- not every night, but at least once or twice a week. It's not the place to go to discover the most pertinent truths about contemporary Hollywood or even current celebrity, but it's certainly what you need to see to check up on the state of malice in America.

One of my favorite recent "TMZ" reports showed us David Caruso arriving at an airport. The smirky ex-surfers, lawyers and fame-dishers of "TMZ" just couldn't get over the fact that Caruso, apparently, travels with a hefty supply of autographed pictures of himself for those fans (or even innocent, unworshipful bystanders) he might encounter -- someone, say, who upon a sudden Caruso meeting might suddenly rhapsodize over how much fuller their life had become.

What ego, said the sluggardly tsk-tskers of "TMZ." What crazy, hard-headed practicality I thought, marveling, as always, at David Caruso's continually hilarious engagement with prime-time TV and what it brings him. Let other stars sign autographs for fans and leak noblesse oblige all over everyone; Caruso merely has to reach into his pocket and hand over a pre-autographed pic without saying a word while going on about his intended business. Why bother pretending that he actually cares about -- oh, you know -- FANS, especially if you're an actor and have to pretend things all the time for a living?

The man's a genuine legend, I tell you.

I love everything about David Caruso on "CSI: Miami": the stylized lunacy of his performance, with his arch line deliveries and constant sideways stances at right angles to other cast members; the sunglasses, which have increasingly come to symbolize his character, Horatio Caine, the way a black mask stood for the Lone Ranger. It's all joyously nuts.

When last we left Horatio Caine at the end of last season, he was face down on the airport tarmac in a pool of blood -- shot and apparently dead.

And anyone who believed Caruso was actually gone from "CSI: Miami" has an Alaska governor to vote for as vice president in the next election.

It took 17 minutes for Monday's "CSI: Miami" to inform us that, yes, Horatio Caine is still alive and David Caruso is still making Monday night a home for the wackiest and most absurd "CSI" show of them all.

It took a half hour to fully impart the information that the episode was lousy -- not quite Sunday Emmy lousy but a profoundly crummy chase after "fused alloy" bullets involving all manner of people who should know better.

Meanwhile, across the dial on "Boston Legal," James Spader was having erotic daydreams about Ally Walker, which only made our hourlong commitment to Caruso's Caravan that much more painful.

Thank God for DVRs. Otherwise, Dave and his autographed pictures might be in trouble.

And by the way, if you ever run into Caruso at an airport or buying a Diet Coke at a Burger King, get an extra pre-autographed picture for me, will you?

I never ask anyone for autographs. But, honest, I'd cherish one of those.

--Jeff Simon 

AND THE BIG BLACK SUV WENT BOOM!!

But who was in it? That's what watchers of the season finale of "Criminal Minds" on Wednesday night want to know.
We've pretty much left cliffhanger season (see my Sunday column in TV Topics) -- those big dramatic and frequently death-dealing finales that allow TV shows to shed cast members. So while most TV watchers were watching the mildly surprising outcome of the Battle of the Davids on Wednesday night's "American Idol," some of us were having a typical May network question dropped on our heads for fuller summertime contemplation, i.e., whom did "Criminal Minds decide to send to eternity (i.e. off the set and to the unemployment lines?)"
So while some dramatic terrorists on the show blew the SUV to kingdom come, we don't know who was in it. In Cliffhanger County, you're not supposed to find out until the show resumes in the Fall, but you can bet that the antfarm of showbiz info and commentary that swarms ever-so-busily over Hollywood soundstages will unearth that particular crumb long before then.
Best guess? The pregnant agent played by A. J. Cook and her new boyfriend from The Big Easy. That would probably be a gruesome development in the show but then this is a show whose stock-in-trade is the profoundly gruesome. And they were the cast members who, frankly, added least to the mix.
The biggest mistake? To me, it would be the disappearance of Garcia, the cyber-smartiepants and virtuoso hacker played by Kristen Vangsnes and the only character on the show capable of giving it much-needed wit. Like Pauley Perrette on "NCIS," she's worth her witty weight in dramatic gold--and then some.
--Jeff Simon

Is there a doctor in the 'House'?

Fans of Fox's incredibly hot drama "House" should be relieved after seeing last night's episode. It was absorbing and crazy all at once - just what you'd expect from the show starring Hugh Laurie.

Well, expect might be a bit too hopeful, because by the end of last season, the once cutting-edge "House" had become formulaic, and dare I say it, predictable.

The formula went something like this: Dr. Gregory House and crew have no idea what's wrong with the patient. They run lots of tests and pump lots of medicines with unintelligible names into patient. Patient gets sicker. House gets grouchier. More tests and meds are ordered. Patient starts bleeding from the eyes or ears or has a cardiac episode. More tests, more meds. Patient is on the brink of death when House solves the medical mystery. Patient lives (usually), though House doesn't seem to care. His rush comes from solving the mystery and tossing more painlkillers down his throat.

That formula worked for two seasons, but by the end of season three, it got dull. Lucky for us,  someone on the show must have realized it.

So far this season looks like its got the old spark back. I mean that literally as well as figuratively, since in last night's episode, House stuck a knife into an electrical socket because he wanted a near-death experience. (He doesn't believe there's anything after death, remember?)

There are new doctors this season and no limit on the ways House tortures them. But while House the character is pushing the envelope even farther, Hugh Laurie the actor is having his many talents challenged in new ways.

I wouldn't be surprised if at some point this season House's old team reunites (what is up with Dr. Cameron's blond hair?), but until then, I hope the writers keep giving us stories that are new and unexpected. (Did you catch the green blood in last night's story?)

Unexpected and messy are what attracted me to House in the first place. And they are what will keep me loyal.

-- Susan LoTempio