A leave is not a vacation

Many of the troops deployed to Afghanistan being covered by the Buffalo News will soon be sent home for a brief leave, marking the midpoint of their deployment.  While it might seem like it, this is not a vacation in the sense one might expect.  Our FRG (family readiness group) recently held a meeting to prepare us home-bound spouses for what to expect and how to deal with our returning soldiers. 

They said we can expect our spouses will come home exhausted not only from their mission but  their journey home across eight time zones and countless delays waiting for flights out of theater.

They will also bring with them a necessary stress level developed to combat the emotional challenges of their lives under the extreme conditions of actual combat as well as mission support, where a single mistake or oversight can result in a casualty.  This heightened level of stress, they told us, isn't something controlled by an on-off switch. Rather, it develops over time and can take a longer period to recede.

While it's tempting to plan large celebrations with family and friends, some of our soldiers may not be prepared or eager to attend such events, while others might respond just fine.  We were advised to plan on letting our soldiers get lots of rest for at least a couple of days, and then let them seek out a level of stimulation they're comfortable with.  Our soldiers will not allow themselves to fully decompress, knowing they have to return for the second half of their deployment.

We were also told that our soldiers in some cases may be irritable, detached or short tempered, and that this is normal.  Giving our soldiers lots of space and freedom to do whatever fits their disposition while encouraging but not demanding communication is the recipe for a successful leave.

We military spouses intuitively suspect our soldiers won't be themselves when they come home.  Still, it was really helpful hearing the counselors from the military validate that perspective based on their experiences and offering some strategies to effectively cope. 

From her e-mails I can tell you Judy is REALLY looking forward to coming home for half-time.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, I really have no idea who this woman will be when she shows up at the airport, but we will love and support her no matter who she is.

-- Phil Basinski, on the home front

Comments

[Nancy Buck]

You all sound like wonderful spouses, and know your jobs at this time are to be support systems for your loved ones whose jobs are the most dangerous ones in the world right now. When my son came home half way through his 15 month deployment to Iraq all he wanted was a sense of normalcy. And that's what he got - not a big hoopla.

God bless you all, and keep your family safe.

[April M.]

I am VERY much looking forward to my husband coming home for R&R...But at the forefront of my mind even now is the thought of what it will be like to have to let him go back to finish this deployment. This, out first deployment, has been difficult, more for me I think than for my husband. But, I WILL find the strength to let him return to Afghanistan, and get through the rest of this...because in the end, no matter HOW much each of us has changed individually, we are STILL totally devoted to each ohter and we can get through anything as long as we're together.

[Kim]

As a milspouse myself, I can recognize and understand the lines in between the lines of this post. How do we as spouses, not milspouses, but regular husbands and wives deal with our spouse coming home and wanting with all our being for everything to feel normal again, but to realize that we still have half a tour to go before it will be? We expect changes, but we too have had to change to just cope with the thoughts and fears that we lie with everynight, when we are done running for the day. Leave is important for them but I'll be the selfish wife when I say leave isn't enough. I really just want my husband back.